


I want you to be my reason

by Cutebeast64



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, POV First Person, Past Abuse, ibara struggling with emotions, mentions to ibara's time at the military
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-18 16:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21279659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cutebeast64/pseuds/Cutebeast64
Summary: Soulmates, I said, thinking we were fundamentally the same.I was wrong though. We were not the same. And you soon became an unexpected factor in my life... the one to stirr up emotions that should have been burried. The one to make me dream of things that shouldn't have been possible.JunIba, Ibara PoVIbara's side of "I Found Paradise in You"
Relationships: Saegusa Ibara/Sazanami Jun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	I want you to be my reason

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NefariousNix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NefariousNix/gifts).

> Hello everyone, this is a fic I made inspired in NefariousNix's amazing work "I Found Paradise in You" for her birthday. Please do check out Jun's side of the story at https://archiveofourown.org/works/21142424. Without any further ado, continue to a lovey dovey junibara ramble.

Feelings have never been my forte. They are far too volatile, as I used to be myself. And they are far too complex, as if made to be hard to understand.

To me, people like His Majesty, always in tune with their own hearts, feel like creatures from a different world. One I’m not allowed to step in. A secret garden closed off to those that weren’t chosen.

So I never tried to get in there.

When I first met you… face to face I mean, and not through the documents gathered about you – from the tragic tale of your family to your current grades at school – I couldn’t help but feel like we were the same.

Unworthy trash clinging with claws and fangs to the edge of the abyss, trying to reach that bright world that didn’t belong to us, no matter how unsightly our struggle might seem to others.

It was reassuring, to find someone of my kind. And, as shameful as it is, I truly believed, we’d get to a mutual understanding, as two who were in the same position. I even tried to appeal to you by calling you my soulmate, but that seemed to have the opposite effect of what I aimed for.

I didn’t mind, of course. Your disgust and hatred were only natural, and they were easy to deal with. It was even amusing at times. And you were truly professional - enough to never let it affect how we worked with each other. Maybe you were just that desperate to avoid dropping down – tumbling down the hill you’d just managed to climb by dragging yourself through the mud and throwing your pride away. Maybe you wanted to demonstrate you belonged up here, in the special course, with the _privileged _ones.

It didn’t matter what your reasons were, it was easy to work with you and that was enough.

And as I saw you squirm and struggle, like a worm taken out of the ground, that one conviction became stronger.

_Just like me_. I thought, many more times than those I said it out loud, knowing you’d be mad I’d put you at the same level as myself. As you should! After all, even as fellow trash, you are certainly more valuable than I could ever be – and you shall always shine brighter. You’re a _good person _after all.

I was wrong though. Not about you being good, that much is true – as it’s true that you were meant to be an idol. No, I was wrong in a more fundamental level.

We were not the same.

I soon realized that fact, as you became more and more of a puzzling existence to me.

You might have always been like that – weird and with a terrible taste – but I only truly noticed when those sides of you came crashing at me, like waves.

Despite hearing me confess my past and sins, you just smiled at me. _Hugged_ me. _What a disgusting action that is_. And even worst – you started to see me as a friend.

It wasn’t only you, of course. For some reason everyone at Eden seems quite _stupid_ when it comes to interpersonal relationships, soon getting infected by that idyllic friendship talk of Trickstar -and just as soon applying it to our own team. You all got attached, despite our unit made to be strictly professional.

It was fine. Stupid, but fine. I wouldn’t have spoken up against it, had you all just kept it between yourselves. But no, you had to add me, a villain, a snake, a demon, to the mix.

And you… you really went to town with it. That and your stupid torture techniques, excusing it on ‘wanting to bond’ and ‘wanting to help me relax’. How foolish.

You keep thinking I somehow changed my plan to help you. To ‘make you happy’ or whatever. How foolish. That’s not it at all, and you know it. Joining into the Saga project was most beneficial to Eden’s plans. It helped as it should, to regain the trust of our investors and to land more business talks for us. Or at least for you.

You truly shined out there. Your fan number grew exponentially with that one event…

And it also changed a bit of who you were. You laughed a lot more, I noticed. As if a weight had been lifted from your shoulders. And that was nice… it made you look more like an idol.

I will admit, I was jealous. Not a bit, but a lot, about what you had achieved. And I’ll also admit, that I was frustrated. Mostly because you kept acting as if I was some sort of ‘good guy’ despite all my attempts of clearing your mistake.

Attempts that were all answered with that goofy grin of yours that makes me feel as special type of way.

Angry probably. That’s what all the fluttering in my stomach must be. An intense desire of hitting you in the face.

But of course, I wouldn’t such a thing. You’re an idol working for me, and your face must remain as perfectly handsome as it is, even if it kills me.

And that feeling, whatever it was, did nothing but get worse as you kept pushing your way into my life. Full smiles and dumb comments. You wanted to practice with me, and I made sure to mop the floor with your ass, but you only laughed and said you admired me.

What an idiot, I thought, as that fluttering grew strong, my face now getting hot. I must be really, really angry at you, huh?

I let you take me to the hills, and I somehow let you know more about my past. It might be because you asked so earnestly about the scars I made sure to always cover up – years of abuse, and hatred, and pain, carved down so I’d never forget where I came from. Who I really am.

Trash.

Worthless.

Someone that should have never been born.

It was good that they were carved so deep, because every time I talked with you, I seemed to forget about it. I had with you chats I could never had with anyone.

Stupid chats about stupid topics. The weather. Your new jacket that His Majesty bought for you. The game you played with Yuuki-dono. The new limited edition strawberry pastries from the store across the street.

And when you smiled to me, acting dumb and talking dumb, and LOOKING dumb… I felt like that might be the youth I had lost. Your smile made me think that even someone like me could have a normal high-school life…

And that was… disgusting. It made me itch all over and want to throw up.

But at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to kick you out of the way.

As inexplicable as you could be, with all those emotions showing right on your sexy dumb face, and your awful interest in me… and the warmth of your hands.

I never thought someone’s hands could be so warm. And feel so nice.

Not until I woke up in the middle of a fever, half lost in the memories of having the sickness beaten out of my body at the military camp, to find you sitting by my side like a big puppy.

You looked so worried too, your frown so deep I worried you might get wrinkles on your forehead because of it. Was there even a reason to be so worried about?

It was just me being sick. No one but an idiot would worry about that…

I didn’t even knew people actually did that outside of movies – sitting by someone’s side to take care of them.

As stalker-y as that might be, it was an enriching experience so I guess I’ll thank you for that one… and also for taking the time to kindly explain to me why hand-holding was so important in movies. And so important to you.

Intimacy was never my forte. But the feel of your hand around mine was not too bad.

I wasn’t completely sure about how I felt about it, so I kept trying to get a better grasp of it. And because no one else deserved the punishment of having to hold hands with someone such as myself, you were stuck having to hold hands with me.

Not that you seemed to mind, you fool. You did nothing but laugh, as if you were having the time of your life. And then, you’d squeeze back on my hand and that fluttering feeling would come back, making me want to head-butt you.

I sometimes think this must have all been part of your little scheme to get me down.

You made me feel comfortable around you just so you could strike me down, didn’t you? With your smiles and your hand holding and your sweet sharing.

You became such a strong presence in my life I found myself looking for your warmth in cold nights, and to the feeling of your hand around mine when I was nothing but discouraged.

…

I still think you could have avoided His Excellency’s questioning on the nature of our relationship rather than answer them up front. You both seemed awfully angry at me that one time, continuously shutting down my attempts of diverting the conversation…

“I just like bein’ around him.”

How could you say that? About me of all people? And mean it?

I looked into your eyes, trying to find the lie in them. There was none. You were serious.

My hands were shaking. I could feel cold sweat dripping down my back. My vision tunneled, and I felt the aching of wanting to throw up.

It was too much for me to understand. It was something that was never meant to be explained in words.

It’d be far too embarrassing to break down before His Excellency – and way too shameful to do it before you. So I promptly returned to my room.

I kept my smile till the last second, and closed the door before you could try to get in.

I dropped to the floor at once and curled over myself, instinctively scratching the old wounds in my body. Reminding myself that I didn’t deserve anything. That I was meant to be alone from the start. That having Eden – a reason for my existence, was already too greedy for the likes of me.

I couldn’t ask for more.

I shouldn’t ask for more.

…

But you stayed there. Outside that door. And you insisted over, and over, and over… like a broken recorder.

How stupid.

You didn’t leave, no matter how much I ignored your words.

And you didn’t leave despite my insistence in the futile nature of your efforts.

And you still didn’t leave when I said I wanted nothing to do with you anymore.

And you were still there when I finally opened the door after some very long minutes of absolute silence that made my heart raise inside my chest.

You were there.

Sitting by the side of the door, like a neglected puppy. You’d probably got tired to argue with me and that’s why you were silent. But you didn’t leave.

…

That was your last chance to leave, don’t you realize?

The last time I’d allow for you to leave my side.

The last time I was willing to forgive and forget and move on to a life without you in it.

…

My knees were shaking, and I don’t know if you noticed, but you held me close and walked into the room. And held my hand in that way that only you could do.

Like.

It was still so puzzling to think someone could like. And someone like you at that! Someone that had a very dazzling sun dancing and singing right beside him all day long every day of the damn week. Someone that could very well stand on top of the world…

Why me?

I didn’t ask. I was afraid of the answer.

So instead I laughed.

And not even that deterred you from trying to get closer. From trying to break through the walls I had carefully crafted through far too many years of being left to the edge between life and death.

You want to give me a chance.

I laughed again, because at this point I didn’t know how to cry.

“For the things you truly can’t understand with the simplicity of words, have an experience of it’ as they say! So. Is this the part in those books where I say your name before kissing you? Jun~?”

Most of the time, I find myself feeling taken aback by those things others deeply crave for. Physical intimacy, care, attention – all disgusting acts that seem made to drag out your weakest sides.

You won.

You made me fall for your trap.

I leaned in for it, and the second our lips touched I felt like I had signed my soul into a deal I couldn’t win.

Love. The most complicated feeling of all… I doubt I’ll ever be able to understand it, but you make me feel like giving it a try… You make me feel a lot of things, stirring up my insides like only you can do it… and you don’t even seem to realize.

Would it be too wrong of me to make you the reason of my coming to this world, I wonder?

Because sometimes I think of it… when you wake me up with these annoying kisses that never seem to stop.

That maybe, just maybe, I was born to meet you.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday! remember we mentioned how Ibara's side of the story would be? Well here it is! I hope you like this little show of my gratitude and appreciation for you! A lot has happened in the time we've known each other, and you've been an amazing friend all along! For many more years of us being friends (and of Junibara)


End file.
